Why Breastfeeding Was Not Easy for Me (and How I Got Support)

Why Breastfeeding Was Not Easy for Me

& How I Got Support

Before I had my two boys, lots of friends had gone before me into the world of mothering/parenting, breastfeeding, etc. and had warned me about the myriad ways breastfeeding might be difficult. They enumerated the logistics of feeding every 90 minutes, cluster feeding, and the dreaded triple feed (which means you breastfeed your baby, pump milk, and then bottle feed the pumped milk, around the clock). They did not detail the ways breastfeeding would affect my mental health (or maybe, vice versa?). Everyone’s breastfeeding journey looks different and sometimes (often) that journey can look different from one child to the next. 

With my first son, I would consider myself to have been poorly emotionally prepared to weather the ups and downs of learning to breastfeed. For all the folks who describe breastfeeding as so “natural”, I assure you not everyone has this experience. 

For me, the hospital lactation consultant was no help/was actually pretty damn harmful - to the point that I asked her not to return for further guidance (this is a separate blog post about the need for empathy in helping professions, but I digress). Being in the maternal and child health field and having taken a breastfeeding class and having those friends I mentioned above who kept it real for me, I knew there would be bumps in the road, so we left the hospital with hope and a requirement to immediately report to the pediatrician the next day. 

Turns out, the confluence of my milk taking 5-ish days to come in and a diagnosis of jaundice was enough to move us to formula, while I attempted to pump and quite truthfully, in my mind, get my shit together. So, we supplemented while I tried to get my milk to come in and when it did, tried and tried and TRIED to get my son to latch, without much luck. Let’s just say, by the time we realized what a tongue tie was and that he might need to get it revised, he was 8 weeks along and I was spiraling and basically done with trying. 

I still cringe when I write that and it’s been almost 5 years. I cried each time I pumped for comfort to wean myself and resolved to just try to be a “good mom” in other ways. As if feeding my baby, in any form, and the amount of effort I put into addressing his discomfort with feeding and overall needs weren’t enough to put me in the good mom category already. 

To be honest, the support I sought out was my friends. I reached out to many friends in the early postpartum days to talk about this nightmare breastfeeding was turning out to be. Every single person was supportive and shared their own nightmare story of breastfeeding, even if they were still “successfully” breastfeeding after their child was over a year old. The solidarity was a balm. Knowing I wasn’t alone in struggling through this very alien process was hugely helpful for me. 

And then, I got a second chance. Not everyone does and I count myself so incredibly lucky for that chance. When my second son came earthside, I just resolved to lean into what was uncomfortable about this process for me and to also ASK ALLLLLLL the questions. Admittedly, the second time around, you know more of what to ask - like why does cluster feeding happen? And no, it’s not because you are doing something wrong. It’s your baby’s way of ordering up more milk for the following days, as their little nutrition needs grow those first few months at the speed of light (MIND BLOWN). Cluster feeding really sucks in the moment, but that context was huge for me. I also had better postpartum hospital support and better tongue tie support. If I could remember the names of the two night nurses (especially the one who was also a lactation consultant), I would name them here and I would send them thank you notes, two and a half years later. 

I also learned that the super uncomfortable, weird itchy/pins and needles sensation that I had with both boys while initially getting them latched was and is totally normal and just a sign of my letdown reflex. The more you know. 

Breastfeeding is hard. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It can be both scary and gratifying. If you desire to breastfeed your child, my suggestion is to do your own research and find friends or other supportive individuals in your circle to share their experiences. Ask your hospital people all the questions. I can’t state this enough - no question is a dumb question. Find a lactation consultant who really speaks your language. Have an infant tongue tie specialist/ENT in your back pocket if a tongue tie ends up being an issue. 

It is my belief that there is no such thing as asking for too much help during pregnancy and early postpartum. And from where I sit, on the other side of having kids, but regularly being around those who are still in the space of birthing - we (your friends, your community) want to help. We want to support you.

Best of luck in your journey in breastfeeding and motherhood/parenthood. Namaste.